My Life

Right now it's 3:52am, Sunday morning, and if you are wondering, no, I am not drunk. I finished work at midnight, Sunday morning, came home, and had so many thoughts swimming through my head. I did however do the usual facebooking for a little bit, but being a Sunday morning, most people are out, enjoying themselves. Once 1am rolled around, and still felt sleep was far away, I engaged the activity of watching a movie, The Other Guys. It was a good movie to watch, as I needed a laugh, and it provided me with plenty. However, still couldn't sleep, so I did a little bit of home work, mostly fine tuning and getting ready to print and hand everything in on Monday, then after half-an-hour or so, maybe more, I thought I'd force myself to sleep. Sadly, I laid in bed, eyes closed, brain wide open, thoughts buzzing around, unable to turn it off and sleep. With it raining outside, a run does not seem fit, so I am hoping, with this very personal blog, I can clear my mind, then fall asleep.

It is now 4:01am, and I will try and get everything off my mind. Usually I would send a facebook message to a very close friend, however, over the past couple days I have sent her messages and to send her another one close to the same subjects as the other, I feel like I am just annoying her with my "problems" So everyone who reads my blog, you are acting on behalf as my close friend (Although, I don't think you can replace her)

So where do I begin with all this? I think the most prevalent issue at hand is money based, and is the most worrying. You would think going 2 weeks without any potential income would be no biggie, as in the last 21 months (Since Feb 2009), I have spent 8 months unemployment with no real income (or 38%) Last year, if you have been reading, or know me, I lived in Melbourne for the year, so it was a big change, and I went to Melbourne with about $250 saved and a paycheck going in on Wednesday night, which included annual leave payout, oh and a job in telesales. This year, I left Melbourne, where I was stable, and moved back home. Seemed like the cheaper, better decision at the time, however, I moved back thinking I'd get a transfer right away to another Safeway store. I started my nightfill job in May.

In Melbourne, around this time of the year, I was making enough money to cover my living expenses, and had a little play money some weeks, I was living with people who I considered pretty much family, I was in a good job where I had a bunch of work friends (even a co-worker who I had a mo-off with), didn't work a Saturday night (actually I may have worked 3 Saturday nights during the year) and from them work friends I developed several close friendships. And, I'm not exactly sure, but I may have got a job as a Christmas Casual at CottonOn, or it may have been a couple weeks later. Anyway, the point is, this time last year, I was stable, secured, care-free and was having fun.

Fast-forward to now, and let's see. I am unsure on my hours at work because I am a casual, I never can have a social life thanks to work rostering me on Saturday nights (I think I had maybe 5-6 Saturday nights off since I've started work, which has been 6 months), I pretty much live in my car for 3 months before finding a room to rent, I can never go see my friends in Melbourne because either I have no time or no money. Work always, for some reason, gives me a lot of hours when I can't do it, mostly due to TAFE. However, once I finish TAFE and able to work as much as possible, I get next to nothing.

I feel like, if I had stayed in Melbourne, my entire life would be different. Some might say that this year has made me a stronger person due to the hardship I have faced. I say, what's the point facing hardship when it could of all been avoided if I didn't accept the offer from Wodonga TAFE and went to NMIT to study Building Design. If I did that, I would have still had a job which I could have tweaked the hours to suit my study, but still had a steady, stable income, I would of had a place to live, and I would of been around my Melbourne friends.

I look back on this year and I think to myself, what have I seriously accomplished this year? I mean sure, I've nearly finished my first year at TAFE but big whoop. I failed a couple assessments, and got marks well below what I wanted. TAFE I mucked around, didn't pay attention at times in class, was a smart arse to teachers and co-students, and pretty much acted like I did in high school. That attitude in high school is what set me up to what will be a very hard blog to write in the near future. Back to my original point, to be honest, I feel like I don't deserve to pass. If I get told by the teachers I will need to re-submit the year, I wouldn't be surprised, I'd be mad and annoyed, but not surprised. My designs were foolish, not well thought out, and weren't taken seriously at times.

Right now I am staring down the barrels to what can be a very bumpy road leading into Christmas. I don't have a rostered shift for the next fortnight, and on Wednesday, I will be getting paid like $150-$200. I have a massive phone bill to pay, so don't be surprised if you go to ring and you get told the number has been cut. I have rego to pay, and my car has been unregistered for a couple days, so I have the potential to be fined heavily for that. I got the usual loan to pay, and my weekly rent. On top of that, food, petrol and other household bills. All in all, $200 won't do much for a fortnight, maybe longer.

I have to sit and hope that my phone rings every afternoon, asking if I want to work that night. If not, it will not be a very merry Christmas at all. I know lots of people have it worst than me, big woop, so does that mean my feelings don't mean a thing? All my life I have given up, or quited, or something along those lines, and right now, I feel like quitting. I mean sure, I've made a couple friends this year, but apart from that, I feel like I've accomplished nothing this year. Right now I'm considering going to the op shop, buy raggy clothes and a hat, sit on the sidewalk, and hope people drop some spare change into it. I mean I've been a bum for 9 months, may as well make a living like one.

There is so much more I could divulge, and let out, but I am hoping what I have here is enough to allow me to sleep. With the time being 4:40am, I am looking to a Sunday pretty much wasted because of this insane bed time. Anyway, I am signing out now, hoping to catch some shut eye.


From The One They Call Anthony, This Is The Life & Times